What a yes, no, maybe list is, how to use it without the awkwardness, and a ready-made list from mild to bold that you can print and fill in separately.
Updated October 22, 2026
A yes, no, maybe list is an inventory of desires: a list of things a couple could do together, where each person marks yes, maybe or no. You each fill in your own, alone, and then compare.
The idea is old: sex educators and therapists have used lists like this for decades. The best-known version is Scarleteen’s “Yes, No, Maybe So”, by Heather Corinna and CJ Turett. The list below is ours, built from the questions in the Intimacy quiz.
How to use it safely
Answer alone, in another room or on another day. Answering next to your partner pulls your answers towards what you think they want to hear.
Yes means “I want this”. Maybe means “it depends on how or when, or I want to talk about it”. No closes that item, no explanation needed.
When you compare, talk only about the items you both marked yes or maybe. Each person’s “no” stays theirs.
Pick one or two shared yeses to start with. The list is not a to-do list for one night.
Do it again now and then. Desire changes, and today’s maybe can become a yes (or a no) six months from now.
Why answering separately helps
The main reason people do not say what they want is fear: of hurting their partner, of being judged, of hearing “no”. In one large US survey, only about half of the people had ever told their partner their favourite fantasy (Lehmiller, 2018). Answering alone, and comparing only the overlap, takes that risk away.
The list, from mild to bold
Print two copies, one each. The chapters follow the quiz: they start with kissing and foreplay and end with fantasies and other people.
Kissing and foreplay
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Kiss for a long time before sex?
Half an hour or more of foreplay?
Get a full-body oil massage?
Play with ice, a feather or chocolate on the body?
Do a striptease for your partner?
Grind against each other with clothes on, just teasing?
Masturbate together, watching each other?
Use lube?
Oral
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Go down on your partner?
Have your partner go down on you?
Do a 69?
Penetration and positions
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Be on top?
On your sides, spooning?
Have sex standing up?
Have sex slowly, without rushing?
Have sex hard and fast?
A quickie?
Keep trying new positions?
Anal
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Have your anus stimulated with a finger?
Be penetrated anally?
Orgasm and finishing
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Come at the same time?
Be brought close to orgasm again and again before coming?
Talk openly about whether you have ever faked an orgasm?
Moments and places
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Have sex right after waking up?
Have sex with the lights on?
Set a day and time for sex?
Send each other dirty texts during the day?
Have sex in the shower?
Have sex in other rooms: the kitchen, the sofa, the table?
Book a hotel just to have sex?
Outdoors, somewhere secluded?
Talk, words and affection
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Look into each other’s eyes during sex?
Talk dirty during sex?
Say in the moment what you want your partner to do?
Be praised during sex?
Tell your partner your fantasies?
Agree on a word or signal to stop at any moment?
Agree on condoms, STI testing and contraception?
Toys
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Have your partner use a vibrator on you?
A toy that stimulates you both at the same time?
Wear a toy your partner controls remotely?
Pick out and buy toys together?
Dominance and submission
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Be blindfolded?
Be tied up or handcuffed?
Dominate your partner?
Be dominated by your partner?
Obey your partner’s orders?
Have your partner decide when you get to come?
Pain and intensity
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Have your hair pulled?
Be bitten?
Get spanked?
Be left with hickeys and marks?
Fantasy and role-play
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Pretend you’re strangers meeting for the first time?
Wear a costume or uniform for your partner?
Play a boss, doctor or police officer with your partner?
Fantasize out loud about someone else during sex?
Exhibition and recording
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Have sex in front of a mirror?
Watch porn together?
Film yourselves having sex?
Have sex where someone might see, by a window or on a balcony?
Other people and fetishes
Item
Yes
Maybe
No
Wear lingerie or heels for your partner?
Kiss, lick and massage your partner’s feet?
Have a threesome with another woman?
Have a threesome with another man?
Go to a swingers’ club together?
Talk about opening up the relationship?
Common mistakes
Swapping the whole lists. Seeing every one of your partner’s “no”s hurts and helps nobody; compare only what matched.
Pushing on a maybe. A maybe is an invitation to talk, not a promise.
Treating the list as a contract. A yes today obliges nobody tomorrow; anyone can change their mind at any moment.
Doing it in a rush, after drinking or in the middle of an argument.
Skipping the limits talk. Before trying something new, agree on how to ask to stop.
The app version, where a “no” never shows
The weak spot of a paper list is the moment you compare: someone has to show theirs first, and it is easy to glance at the other one. In the Intimacy sex quiz, each of you answers on your own phone (or on one phone, taking turns) and the app does the comparison: only what you both picked shows up, with how much each of you wants it on five levels, from “If my partner wants” to “OMG Yes!”. You never see your partner’s “no”.
A list of sexual and romantic activities where each partner marks, on their own, whether they want it, maybe want it, or do not. Then the couple talks about what they both marked yes or maybe.
Should we show each other the whole list?
No, and it is better not to. Compare only the items you both marked yes or maybe. A “no” needs no explanation.
Is there a yes no maybe list app?
Yes. In Intimacy, each partner answers in private and the app shows only what you both want, so nobody has to show their own list.
Can I print this list?
Yes. Use the print button above the list; the page prints without the site’s header and footer.
